Lora gets real.

Hola Amigos,

I'm sitting here in my dorm room, by myself, in the dark. I was about to begin a nice nap, when I was inspired. I reflect...a lot. Events of my life, possible events of the future, I think about it all. Often I assess what I did, if I should have acted differently, etc. So here I was, reflecting, reminiscing if you will the last, ehhh, we'll go with year, life, etc.

This is what I've realized. I don't get mad. Honestly, I cannot really think of too many times when I have experienced that fiery hot emotion so many people discuss. You know, anger? I don't really feel it. However, I do experience a different. Hurt. If I am betrayed, I don't get angry. I get hurt. If someone breaks my trust, I don't get angry. I get hurt. If I am insulted, I don't get angry. I get hurt. If someone crushes my heart, I don't get angry at them. I get hurt. Actually, we're going to go deep within my...heart, so I can better explain this to you.

I would honestly, HONESTLY encourage you to quit reading if you don't want to see me, in an emotional sense, poured out on your computer screen. And so I begin. I haven't heard from my dad in quite some time. Things with that side of the family have always been, well, shaky. Most people who experience this go through a stage of anger or frustration. I haven't. Maybe it's too fresh, though I don't think that's the case. I mean, a year is long enough for an emotional process to take place, right? A process it's been. Yet through this process, I haven't once "hated" my dad or been angry. I couldn't dream it. I've mentally punched him before, but my dad's a big guy, so that was a fail (plus, it wasn't real). But when I think of the tough times going on, I also think of the amazing memories I've experienced with my father. We've built bird houses, cracked jokes, rode four wheelers, went diving (with an oxygen tank) in our nasty family pond, etc. And my humor, yeah, it comes from him. Therefore, if my dad were to ever show up on my door step, I can honestly say I'd open the door for him to barge right back into my life.

After reading this, don't get me wrong, please. I wouldn't change these events, and I am by no means "emotionally distressed." I handle problems. Actually, no. I really don't. God does. Thank goodness, too. If I handled them, I'd just crawl into a little hole and never come out. But no.  God gives me the strength, knowledge, and courage to handle these dramatic problems every day. Do I have scars? Heck yeah. You're a lucky person if you get through my walls. I set 'em firm and high. However, I don't believe in allowing scars or past circumstances to allow us the right to label ourselves as victims. I'm not saying I'm perfect and handle this whole situation with ease. Far, far from it, my friends. I still catch myself tearing up. I mean, what girl doesn't want a lap to crawl up onto when life keeps pushing her down? This is when I wish God was, well, a person. I have recently tried sitting on my Bible. DON'T JUDGE. I make my relationship VERY personal. HOwever, sitting on the Bible really doesn't have the same effect. Actually, it's quite uncomfortable. And my heart continues to break every time I send a text message or phone call and get no reply. I don't think I will ever be "okay" with the situation. Never will it be handled with "ease."

However, I can honestly say I wouldn't be...well...me...if it weren't for these trials. I've been formed and molded into who I am, and for that I am beyond thankful. So instead of asking Why Me? I have challenged myself to thank God for these trying situations. Thank Him that I had wonderful times with my dad building, exploring, etc (and who knows, maybe there will be more in the future). Thank Him that I've learned the value of joy--smiling when all I want to do is ball my eyes out. Thank Him that I've found the friends who will allow me to ball my eyes when needed. Because despite this rocky past, I've experienced an amazing, amazing life. God has blessed me in ways I never would have dreamed possible. I mean, He allowed the creation of insulin, which always reiterates the fact that I must have a purpose. OKay, that was dumb. I know. But true!

Well, folks, there you have it. Below I have inserted a verse that pretty much screams the last paragraph. Enjoy, loves. Talk to you soon.

Keep it real,
the Lone Woolf

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work, so you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4