Thank God He can read.

As I've mentioned before, it's been a crazy last few weeks. I've been thrown so many situations to handle--new types, old types, you name it. What do I do? I attempt to handle them..duuhh. Sometimes, it turns out well. Sometimes, I do what I know I need to do. Yet what happens when disappointment, grief, or sorrow throw themselves my way? I seem to grab yet another mask. I hide all upset feelings--simply cover it with my big smile and an "ehh, it's life" comment. I honestly can say that I even mask the joyous situations. Relationships that have been mended, hugs received by hurting children, even those I don't let myself attach to. Why? Because those situations may let you down. Those relationships may end as they have before, and those children may not be here tomorrow. And when I do finally let down those walls that I have so successfully built up over the last few years, I feel weak. It just seems better to not feel at all.

As I sit here thinking about everything that has happened, I realize the emotional roller coaster that I should be experiencing. Yet all I've done is put on my 'tough girl' exterior. With everyone. With myself. Is it possible to work so hard to convince every one else that you're okay, that these situations are just life, that eventually, you even convince yourself? And what happens then when you realize maybe you're not 'okay'? Maybe you don't feel like smiling? YOu'd better hope that the people around you can handle it, right? Because people don't like it when you're real. 

So here's my relief--God has x-ray vision. There are no masks with Him. He even knows what I don't. The thankfulness I have at this point, in regards to Him understanding me better than myself...it's abounding. There will always be someone who doesn't care if I cry. He knows when I'm let down. He knows how hard it is for me to let anyone see me in a vulnerable state. He knows when I hurt. 

"And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. IF you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever." 1 Chronicles 28:9

The bold statement, it's...well, bold. And comforting. And scary. And comforting. God, He can read me like an open book. Praise the Lord (haha, literally) because I usually don't even know what I, myself, want. I can justify any possible want in my head. But really? I honestly have no idea. However, it's scary. He knows what I want, even when I have successfully convinced myself that I do not want that.

And here's what is so disgusting about this whole situation. It takes a massive amount of crappy events for me to even realize this sort of thing. How selfish can I get? How idiotic can I bet? I mean, if this were the first time that a realization like this had occurred, that's one thing, but it happens repetitively. So here's my conclusion: the Lone Woolf still has a lot of growing up to do. And always will. 

Maybe that's an abrupt ending, but let it leave you some time to think. Masks? We all wear 'em. More often than we should. What would happen should we all take them off? Chaos? Reality? 

Truth? 

Confidence in God alone,

the Lone Woolf

P.S. this is not a distraught post. I am not upset. I just feel like more than just I feel this way. . .